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Women And Men
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her
heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All
Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I
just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to
know that there's always a chance for us.'
This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex.
And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females
can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is
why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men
are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men
elicit laughter from women.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items
left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,
rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their
obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more
expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little
miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything
that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to
operate.
MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size
doesn't really matter.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away
with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will
look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting
time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a
boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are
'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word
to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a
man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I
was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
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